Confidence needs only one audience: you

Whenever I’d feel low, I’d robotically switch on the shower to its hottest temperature and jump in. It didn’t matter what time of the day it was; 8am or 3pm – 6am or 10.30pm, in those ephemeral moments, the existing dilemma would rinse off my skin and follow the water down into the plughole – it was gone. But when I would towel myself dry, I’d be wrapped back into that dwindling mood which simply meant another shower.

Recently, that was how I dealt with things. I’d float through life and vanish the hard times momentarily; I’d ignore texts I did not want to read, I’d swerve emails I couldn’t open, I’d keep my head down when someone from a previous life walked toward me. Who needs the tedious catch up texts, or the assignment reminder emails, or the small talk?

I’m an avid devotee in welcoming the little things (I mean, I once teared up when someone surprised me with an Easter egg). I’ve always believed that the slightest thought out deed can go the distance to someone who feels like the world is against them. But within the past few months I had begun to neglect that judgement and focused on the bad things, even when in reality, nothing bad was ever there. But It’s a situation that seems intolerable: if I didn’t like what my mirror reflected, I wouldn’t go to my seminar. When I conversed with friends, I’d cringe at the stupid things I had said and stay quiet for the remainder of the day. I’d stare at my phone whilst my friend’s names flashed across, inviting me to Facetime chat. All of these socially avoided things would be fleetingly fixed with a hot shower.

But however much it helped me in those moments, my shower theory began to wear thin, and I was sick of floating through the bubbles. And soon enough, the bubbles began to pop. I realised that confidence needs only one audience: you. Reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel a bit lost on your map is the entrance to reassurance. Answering that phone call or opening that email may seem daunting, and the unwrapping is the hardest part. But every one of us feels anxious at some point, be that weekly, daily or hourly – and the unease of what’s to come should not stop you from doing. I shunned things I actually enjoyed because of the invisible demons that terrorized me with the questions: “What if no one likes it?”, or“What if they think I’m weird?” I intentionally messed up interviews because my mind told me that“I wouldn’t get it anyway”. Or even worse, If I did get it, I convinced myself that it would be the most difficult thing I’d ever have to do. So I wouldn’t post that picture or apply for that work experience and I’d briefly avoid those concealed demons by thinking of the possible embarrassment they could have caused me. Could have.   

So who was the real winner? Me for dodging that bottomless stomach feeling, no matter how momentarily it would have been? Or the invisible, if even existent, judging eyes that were waiting to tell me it wasn’t good enough.

Of course, I wasn’t a winner, but the judging eyes did in fact exist. The only judgement you should act upon should be your own. The little things you do should reflect your own motives and be for yourself. If you don’t like something, pluck up any courage you have and change it, or write it, post it, send it, shout it, sing it.

Because confidence needs only one audience, and that’s you.